I'm Not That Desperate...

Ah, another frustrating day of job hunting. Yes, I know it's only 10 a.m. That is just how depressing the job hunt is in Metro Detroit.  But rather than be sad, time to find the humor in the situation...

I've seen plenty of blogs, posts, articles, etc. about job hunt blunders made by applicants, or what *not* to do when hunting for a job. By way of a genius suggestion from @SgtMsWife (AKA "The Wife"), I've decided to flip the tables, and share with you the things employers should not do. Or simply the things you shouldn't bother clicking on when you're job hunting.   Here's today's list, but I will probably revisit this theme as my job hunt drags on...

Let's begin with the obvious. Job search engines suck. Seriously, they are terrible and frustrating to work with. Keywords that make sense to you clearly make no sense to the search engine.

• Search term: "Event Coordinator"   Result: "Director of Community Relations" - I can somewhat see the event planning/community relations link, but I'm a bit confused by the titles because coordinator level work just screams Director.
• Search term: "Community Outreach"  Result: "Nurse Practitioner" - Because, nurses work in the community?
• Search term: "Public Relations"  Result: "Pashto Interpreter" - Monster jumped on the word "public". Public relations thus is the same as a job within Army Public Affairs. And writing press releases in English is definitely the same as interpreting Pashto.

Every search engine likes to have you upload your resume, then create a search agent for you. OK, so mine shows roughly 4 years professional experience, plus retail positions and internships. My last two job titles were Programs Coordinator and Client Relations Assistant. My job agent recently returned:

• Senior Manager - Product Research.   I suppose 4 years does make me senior to people who are unemployed...
• Sales Management Trainee at Enterprise.  Uhm, no. Just NO.
• Public Relations Intern.  I'm not above a foot in the door position. In fact, I would welcome it. But an internship? Unpaid?
• Director of Marketing.  These two were literally one after the other. It seems my agent thinks I'm qualified to be both the lowest person on the corporate totem pole and also to run the show. Excellent.
• Law Office Word Processor.  Uhm, what?
• Director of Anesthesia Program.   Because Program Coordinator (essentially event planner) means I'm a Doctor.

Then there are the companies that either don't actually want you to apply, or just are looking for really dumb people.   Don't even get me started on how often I see listing for Communications professional with misspelled words or typos in the listing title. Also, the use of exclamation points frightens me. 

Actual listing:  Event Specialist!!!   

Responsibility: "Conduct Demo Event for approximately 5.75 hours"  (that's awfully specific)

Among the Duties:  "Move around cart area to approach customers within 10 feet"  (so you're a very aggressive demo event conductor).  "Push cart weighing 52-74 lbs. distance of 150-300 feet" (no worries, when the customers get within 10 feet, I'll push my 52-74 lbs. cart those 10 feet to block them in and ensure they demo my product!)

(This was listed 3 additional times, with slight changes to the position title. Sadly, the exclamation points were only in one listing.)

Actual listing:  Global Account Executive ? Meetings Sourcing Sales"   Company: American Express

(So, are you not sure what you're calling the position? Did you not think to review your listing to see how it appeared? Are question marks now acceptable separators, much like hyphens?)

And my personal favorite...

Actual listing: "ENTRY LEVEL/MANAGEMENT/EVENT PROMOTIONS/MARKETING/ADVERTISING"  (yes, this was all in caps.)

(You will see multiple versions of this listing any time you search any number of keywords.)

Actual excerpts from the job listing:   "UNIQUE approach to advertising"  

" **Experience in the below industries are a plus**

• Marketing and Advertising
• Sports and Athletics
• Entertainment
• Military
• Finance and Accounting" 

These "direct marketing" firms prey on young graduates who need jobs. They are quite skeezy. I know, I had one horrific day with one in Massachusetts.   This one claims "we do NOT participate in door-to-door, telemarketing or graphic design".  So they've moved on from the days when my "interview" consisted of changing into a Verizon polo in a gas station bathroom, then going door-to-door with my "mentor" trying to sell FiOS to people...  Maybe it's office-to-office now.  What blows my mind is that they sucker enough people in that they stay in business. Sure, you can get a good commission, but I'm not that desperate...