Saturday, December 17, 2011

The Rollercoaster...

I've been MIA, I know. I've wrestled with what to write about, how much to let you in, what to do. But, I vowed from my first post to be brutally honest, so I guess I better stick with that.   (Sidebar, my computer is acting up... the display went out randomly, was gone for a week, and has come back in spurts, so hopefully I can get this out).

I've been struggling again lately. Anger. Loneliness. Resentment. Frustration. Despair.

One week after our wedding, my husband left for training. I figured it wouldn't be so hard. It's not deployment, right?  But I was sitting at home, alone, unemployed. Talking to the cats. (They don't talk back.)

People asked, "How's married life?" And with sarcasm, but with honesty, I'd reply, "I don't know."  I still don't. My life the last few months has been such a complicated, flooding, overwhelming, roller coaster of emotions.  I've been proud of my husband. I've been so despairingly desperate as I watched my funds dwindle and nearly disappear. I've been so alone, lucky to share my bed two nights a week, never more, sometimes less. I've carried on in a way all to familiar to me over the last few years, head of a household for 1.5. Cooking, cleaning, Ms. Fix-it, taking out the trash, tending to the car and repairs, doing the holiday decorating, trying to make a house a home welcome and warm enough that it still feels like his those rare times he's home.

I've stressed over money. I've cried when I realized I couldn't buy presents. I've come close to bottom several times, felt guilty, felt worthless, felt so very very alone.

And I've been blessed. I've been bestowed with miracles, with grace, with amazing things only God could bring about.

Through the generosity of strangers, one incredible @TammyLuvsColts and Colts TE Jacob Tamme, the SGT and I will get to go to Jacksonville for New Year's Eve. This, our seventh NYE together will be only the second we spend together. Colts vs. Jags will be his first NFL game ever. Through incredible generosity, with their thanks for him just doing his job. We are eternally grateful.

The day after I shared with you all how I couldn't afford Christmas gifts, my old boss contacted me. I am back part-time helping him with some administrative tasks as we continue the struggle to keep the organization afloat long enough to hopefully return. The bills are paid through our upcoming move. There are gifts under the tree, and gifts waiting to be taken to my family in Vermont. He brought me a miracle when I needed it most.

I'm scared about our move. Detroit? Detroit?! Crime, unemployment, etc. etc. The Chrysler commercials are great and all, but does anyone really want to move there?  I'm hunting and finding lots of good about the area, but it is absolutely scary to me. Out of the unemployment frying pan and into the fire!

I vented today. In our mere 11 hours together, I vented to my husband about how incredibly frustrated I was. About how, through no fault of his own, his deployments and subsequent training essentially train him to be self-absorbed, and expect me to revolve around him.  And how did he react?  He made laugh. He told me he understood, he was sorry because he couldn't imagine how hard it was on me.

So how is married life?  United. Growing. Getting stronger. A challenge. An adventure.

How is life in general? A challenge. An epic, exploding disaster. Scary. Wonderful. Awe-inspiring. Unbelievable.

How? Because people are good. Strangers can amaze you. And God is our glorious Father. And I will continue to trust him, no matter the struggle in front of me, no matter the struggle in my heart. I will trust that he loves me, that his plan is good.

And I'll keep sharing with you. Because I hope it helps. Because none of us are alone.

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