Friday, July 1, 2011

Finding The Words....

I wish I had the words for you. I wish I could write some amazing, life-changing post that you would just have to read, just have to share. But I can't. I'm not amazing or life-changing. I mean, let's face it, I am pretty awesome. Or at least I tell myself that on my better days. But, like I've said. I'm just a twenty-something, going through my misadventures. I'm pretty normal, pretty every day. And maybe that's why you read. Because you see a little bit of yourself in whatever it is you see of me.

I've seen so many other things today that got the wheels turning. The mental wheels. DC traffic is redic the last few days... the car wheels, well, they aren't turning much at all.

How deployments don't get easier as you go through each one. If anything, they get harder. And why, well, there are so many reasons. How being the bigger person isn't satisfying. No, it's not. Sometimes, it isn't even satisfying in the long run.

And, I wanted to pick a subject, put my spin on it, and make something amazing. Or at least have a good post for you, because they aren't great lately (if you ask me). But here's the thing: my life isn't great lately. Not in a "Oh, I'm so sad, life's terrible" type way. Just in a crazy, hectic, a million balls in the air, and a million places for me to exert my energy way.

Ok, a wedding. I'm getting married September 18. When I decided that, we had just under 4 months until the wedding date. We're currently 79 days away. Decisions involving the future mother-in-law are a straight battle. The entire way. I mean knock-down, drag-out fight type battles where I actually was informed that my opinion (as the bride, about my wedding) didn't matter.  (Here, I'm proud to tell you taht I gave up on being the bigger person, and while still stressful, it was WAY more satisfying. Don't worry, I did it with a modicum of tact.)   With my own mother, well, let's just say making decisions is not a strong area for the women in my family. Even a basic decision, easy for me, has to be questioned and debated from my mom. So after 3 hours, we're finally OK with a decision it took me five minutes to make. And in general, my fiance lacks an opinion, which I suppose is normal.  Yup, it's exhausting.

And oh, right, we're still going through reintegration. The stupid stuff that sets off his temper is somewhat unbelievable and definitely frustrating. And I've reached a point where it's harder to just smile and be the bigger person and deal with it. I mean, we are, but I've become more likely to just argue back, which is actually just as exhausting as dealing with it in a calm manner. It's irritating, but letting them come home isn't much easier than letting them leave.

There's other frustrations, but I'm not here to completely air my dirty laundry. Some days I don't know why I'm here, what I want to tell you, why I decided to blog, or why I keep blogging. I guess I'm just trying to find the right words. To find my words again. And to hopefully find one word out of ten that you can relate to. That will give you a reason to come back.  Because I know I'm not alone. Everyone has 8 million little things that pile up and make you scream.

So, I'm going to relax this weekend (or at least tell myself I will). I'm going to enjoy having my mom in town, work on wedding invitations, enjoy some wine, or maybe a homemade mojito, and I'm going to just enjoy my favorite holiday. And I'm going to think about you. Whether you're deployed, a fellow spouse, a fellow twenty-something, a mom with three youngsters, a brand-new mom, a fellow wedding-planning fiancee, I've got a list of you, I've got you in mind. And I'm hoping those 8 million things shove into the far, deep back of your mind for you and you enjoy your weekend too.

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