Running On Empty...

"Looking out at the road rushing under my wheels

I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels...

Running on - running on empty

Running on - running blind

Running on - running into the sun

But I'm running behind...

You know I don't even know what I'm hoping to find

Running into the sun but I'm running behind"

Running on empty. In life. On the road. 3 weeks until Lansing. Yikes.

Road running. I don't know what is wrong lately. I'm tired, I'm slow, I don't want to go run. I feel dissatisfied with my New Balance Minimus Zero shoes, but nothing else tops them. Some things straight up fail miserably. A little over a week ago, I knocked out a 9 miler. It was slowed, and I was spent, but it got done. Since then, every run has been torture. In fact, I've quit. I've cut every one short.

Is it the heat? The new pair of shoes, bought the day after the 9 miler? I'm not sure. I hope it's the shoes. I'll be trying my Zeroes again and hopefully can complete my next training run.

As for the shoes I tried... I don't like to bash equipment. I believe that every product is the ideal product for someone. After experiencing my old friend, pain in the balls of my feet, I thought maybe I need a bit more cushioning. I visited a local sports store (which I will not visit again) and purchased a pair of Altra Intuition 1.5s. By the way, if anyone wants them, I'd be happy to sell them. The pros to Altras: they are true zero drop, the toe box is awesome...  SO much room! It's big and boxy without feeling like a saucer (how I felt when I tried Brooks Pure Grit). Your toes can spread naturally with no problems. The cons: way too much shoe for me. After several runs, I haven't adjusted. The cushion is too much, the outer portion is too much, the tongue is too much. My feet were roasty hot and my toes kept going numb. I believe the shoes altered my form as well..  after an aborted 4 mile run, I was SORE the next day. I haven't been that sore after a run in ages... even my hilly half marathon. After today's aborted 6 miles... I ran 4 miles and walked 2.. I was in pain. I hurt from the hips down.

I hope it's the shoes, the heat, and maybe a need for more healthy fats in my diet (my husband's answer), but I am grumpy, discouraged, worried about my next half marathon. The fun is draining out of running, and that scares me. I need the escape.

My life is running on empty. I look back sometimes and wonder how the heck I got to 29 like this. I feel like I was supposed to accomplish so much more. Be established and advancing. Not laid off. Again. Job hunting. Again. Feeling like I'm unqualified. Again.

I know I sell myself short. I know the scattered resume isn't my fault. I was laid off, knew my husband had orders to move, got sent to a state with a depressed economy, got laid off again. Despite what anyone says, this recession is NOT over. I know this. But living the results of it still hurts.

I started this latest job hunt feeling positive. Knowing that God has a plan for me, and His plan is good, so I shouldn't worry. But worry and doubt is creeping in. I'm starting to glance around at the storm, down at the waves, instead of trusting God and keeping my eyes on him. I know that I have plenty to offer the right company. I know I will be highly successful in the right role. I just need to find that role. I just have to trust that the job is out there and keep trying to find it.

A Facebook friend posted this verse today:  "But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That's why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."  -2 Corinthians 12:9-10

So perhaps it isn't bad to tell you that I'm running on empty. To admit that I am weak. To know that my strength comes from God. My strength to run. To find a job. To stay positive. To focus on Him in the storm. I am weak Lord, but your grace is enough.

So today, I will do what I can. Clean my house. Host a couple friends. Hopefully develop an awesome grapefruit sangria recipe to share with you. Job hunt. And tomorrow, I will try to find what works on the road. Because I can do all of this. Because if I am running on empty, I know two things. His grace is sufficient; He loves me regardless. And if I am empty, if I am weak, there is room for his perfect power to work in me.

The Little Voice In Your Head..

The voice that tells you you can't. Says it's too cold. Too windy. You're too tired. Your legs are too sore. That little voice in your head..

...is a jackass.

And what treatment is best for jackasses? Ignore them.

It seems like every time I've tried training lately, the little voice plants itself firmly in my head. You're too tired. You're too busy. You're getting sick. You aren't seeing results, so why try? Whatever the reason is, something comes along, my intensity wanes, and then I stop. Not this time.

My training plan can be found here: 16 Week Half Marathon

It's a 16 week plan for beginners. It assumes only that you can comfortably run a mile. I've just started week 3, and I'm feeling good. I think eating gluten and (mostly) grain free is extremely helpful. I've stayed strong and motivated on strength training, been sure to stretch whenever I can, and I haven't missed a single day! This despite stress, no daylight by the time I get home from work, and temperatures WAY below freezing on several days.

Last week, I ran despite a high of 10 and a wind chill of -5. Today, I ran in a high of 50, with standing puddles on most sidewalks still containing yesterday's snow. Yesterday, I did a 5x5 of deadlifts at 115, plus ab work despite a cough, headache and congestion. Best of all, last week, I did deadlifts, kettlebell swings and more, despite my husband coming into our gym (basement), pushing me out of my comfort zone and taking me past the point where I got annoyed. "Try this move! Try this weight!"

I love him, but when pushed like that, completely out of my comfort zone, my natural response is to shut down. To get angry. To quit.  He showed me a move I couldn't quite do, after making me lift heavy. Took from from a proud high to a frustrated, embarrassed low. When he left the room, I sat next to the barbell, elbows on knees, face in hands, feeling that same feeling. That little voice in my head, "You failed, give up, you lifted a little, it's OK, you can quit now."

I almost quit.

And then a new voice jumped in. "You're not doing this for him." And that little voice stuck.

I'm not doing this for my husband. I'm not doing this for my mother. I'm not doing this for weight loss. I'm not doing this for some vain need to look good in a bikini this summer (even if that is an added perk). I am not doing this for my  mother-in-law. I am not doing this for anyone at my almost over job. I am not doing this for my agonizing, ongoing job hunt.

I am doing this for me.

I am doing this to prove I can. I am doing this because I want to give up giving up. I am doing this because it is a challenge and I am strong. I do it to honor, strengthen and love the body God gave me. I am doing this for that amazing moment, that moment when I cross that finish line and I ran the whole thing, 13.1 miles.

That little voice in my head will help, or it will be ignored. But the good one, the positive one, is getting strong every day. I am doing this for me.

"But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary..."  -Isaiah 40:31