I Have a Problem...

I have a motivation problem.

There, I said it. If admitting a problem is the first step toward the solution, it should get all better now, right?

I doubt it.

I'm 5 weeks from my next half marathon, and I feel like I have to force myself into every run, every workout. Once I get going, some are decent, but most leave me with no runner's high, cajoling myself into every step, falling short fairly often.

I think (I hope) every runner has funks, but this has lasted at least 3 weeks already.

I'd love to point to external causes...   like, oh, guess what? I got laid off. Again. Yup.   Oh, and 6 days after becoming unemployed, we found out my father-in-law, who I love and who is my husband's hero, has Parkinson's. Yeah. F*ck you, Parkinson's.

But these things occurred after I started feeling so unmotivated and fatigued. The layoff may have overlapped a bit, but when I first got that news, I felt remarkably positive about it. For at least a week, I wasn't worried, fully trusting that God had a plan for me, and I'm just not supposed to be at that job.

I still believe that. My life is in God's hands, and he has promised us both suffering and wonderful things. It's rough though. When my most recent boss hired me, he gave me the honest assessment of my resume that, at first glance, he would question my loyalty. (Sorry. I really DID want to get laid off and then move to Detroit. I planned it, I swear.)  And now, he was forced to lay me off after 6 months. THAT should make my resume look very appealing. I just hope people will understand, given the economy and job market.

But I digress. Fatigue. No motivation. Struggling through 4 milers. Going to lift weights and feeling that I am simply... not strong. No strength.  I can see how the stress in my life could make this worse, but how did it start?  How do I fix it in time for my next Half?  Seems like I don't have enough time off to just take a break. Which doesn't seem smart anyway. How do I de-funk?

I'm going to try baking Paleo Blueberry Muffins from Elena's Pantry (recipe). And then I'm going to slather them in grassfed butter.

But, I have to run 5 miles today, and I don't wanna.

I have a problem...